careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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