Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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