I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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