My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
