when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
