Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
