Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Randomize
