Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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