dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
