I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just had sex on a roof
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
