Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
