you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
