First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
