my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
