dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
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