Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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