I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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