i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
