there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
