I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
