i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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