You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
In other news, I just burned my penis
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
