I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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