hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
