i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
