There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
