Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
