i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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