I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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