I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
