If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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