Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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