I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
