Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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