I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
