I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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