I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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