She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
