i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
