nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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