I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
