Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
