6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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