Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
