i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
