They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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