this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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