Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
