Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
too bad you live with your parents still
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize