Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
